It’s June, finally!

It’s been a long, horrible winter. A horrible year, and I am absolutely ready for some summer weather! I am glad it’s here, and I can get outside more with Jayce. I hate living in this city more and more every day, and am counting the days until we can move to San Diego. Thinking about it, just makes me smile! Jayce is getting so big so fast! He is now 8 months old, and changing day to day. He’s more mobile as the days go on, and I love watching him grow! He has the funniest little personality. He loves to laugh, but he also has a very serious side too. He takes everything in. He’s nosey, like me! lol He’s been sitting on his own for several months now, rolling all over the place to get to where he needs to. He isn’t crawling on his hands and knees yet, but he does the army crawl and he’s fast! lol I guarantee he’ll be crawling in another week. When he starts to go though, we are in trouble! When Zach and Ash were born, I fell so in love with them and couldn’t imagine my life without them. The kids WERE my life, as Jayce is now. I think I have been away from him a total of 3 hours since he’s been born. I definitely think it’s time to take some breaks, but Jan and I don’t trust anyone these days, and our resources are limited. I miss my Mom. If she were here, she would watch him a drop of a dime, and want to spend as much time with him as possible. She was a huge help when Zach and Ash were little. There were times I’m not sure what I would have done, had I not gotten her advice. She was always so good with kids, and knew just what to do. Anyway, I really am enjoying every minute with him. I love this little boy so much, and I am eager to watch him grow. We are definitely planning on giving him a sibling, and if things go right we’ll get pregnant by fall/winter this year. We’ll see! It’s crazy doing this all over again. Zach and Ash are already 18 & 19. It kills me how fast the time went by! Ashley is graduating this Thursday. I have been crying for a few months now. It’s so exciting, and I am so proud of her accomplishments, but as a Mom I don’t want it to be over. She will start college at Westfield State this fall, and will live on campus. She’ll be an hour away from me, and I know I wont see her as much as I do. I guess a lot of parents have to deal with this, but I feel like it will take me an extra long time! I know once she’s there and settled, she will love the experience. I am so happy she will live away. It’s a great opportunity for her to become more independent, really get to know herself more and meet new people. I really wish Zach had stayed in college, but you can’t force something like that. It’s his choice. His life. I wish he would make some better choices for himself right now. He burned so many bridges with people, he gets mad at everyone and stays away and doesn’t deal with anything appropriately. It breaks my heart. I hope it’s a phase, and one day he’ll have some kind of realization of what he’s doing!

The one year anniversary of my Mom’s passing was on May 12th. It was a hard day. I’m sure the first anniversary of anyone’s death is the hardest for everyone. I still can’t believe to this day, that she is gone. I’m not sure when I’ll be better with this. I’m not at peace with it, or myself at all. I saw a psychiatrist about 1 month ago. I told her all the feelings I was having, and the one thing I can’t get out of my head no matter what I do, is seeing her taking her last breath. Psych said this wasn’t on the normal side of the grieving process after one year of it happening. I know I need to deal with her loss with regular therapy. There are so many things I needed to work out in regard to her before any of this even happened, and now there is just so much more. It’s going to be hard because she isn’t here, but I know I need to rather than let it go because it will eat me up for the rest of my life if I don’t. It’s too much to carry around. My sister still has my Mom’s ashes. We had planned to lay her at rest a while ago, but the time never seems right. I don’t think it ever will. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life so far, and it’s so tough.

In the post, I’d like to add this….whyyyyy are people so fucked up???? There are a handful of people who did me wrong, and I don’t feel as though I could ever give them another chance at being in my life. I have been more than forgiving to some, and I’m so naive to think that everyone can change and take responsibility for their words and actions. It’s not true. It’s their issue to deal with. I don’t have to deal with any of that shit anymore, and I wish they would disappear, lol. A month ago I got an email on FB from an old friend who said the worst fucking things behind my back, when I never did anything to her. My wife and I opened our home and life to her, even though we knew at times we were being used. We are good people and can’t be an asshole to someone. You really have to get under my skin before I really blow up. It was one thing being said after another, things she and I both know are not true, or things that you tell your close friends in confidence. Apparently, you can’t tell some people things because they extend the truth and make a real situation their own, with added drama and lies. It was just unreal! I would never let this trash bag back into my life. She explained that she reads my blog…well, this one is for you! I hope you like what you read! You are not a good person at all. You are actually mentally disturbed, and I could type on giving all the details, but it would take a while, and we both know you know how messed up you truly are! Right? Right :) I heard from 2 other old friends in the same time frame in the last 2 weeks as well. Kinda weird, but in the past I would respond to anything they had to say. This time around, I ignore it. I can’t put myself in spaces, or relationships that do nothing for me. If you’re not in it for real, you’re not going to be in it at all. I see right through people…right through them, and I think I am left with so much disappointment most of the time. People always seem to let me down. I don’t even feel that my expectations are too high, either. It’s normal stuff that most people want in their friendships…respect, trust, caring, laughs…you know! It’s apparently too much for a lot of people to handle. I can’t stand someone who is phony! So again, if you are one of those people…and you definitely know who you are, Leave me alone! I have no desire to hear from you at all. The end. lol

Here are a few recent pictures of little man!

This time of year will always suck for me :(

My heart is killing me. I miss my Mom. I’m sure there are some people in my life who think I didn’t care about my Mom, but truth is…I cared about her more than anything. I always wanted her to get well, and be sober so we could enjoy life together. I wanted to spend holidays with her, and for her to spend tons of time with her grandchildren. I wanted to laugh and share stories, etc. I wanted nothing more my whole life, than for my Mom to be my Mom. It kills me that we never had the chance to make things right. The last conversation I had with her was that I wanted her to get help for herself, and how concerned I was for her and her health. She refused to go, even if it meant not having me in her life. Hanging up with her that day broke me into pieces. I felt my whole life she didn’t love me, or my siblings enough to get sober, but I have only recently realized that it wasn’t because she didn’t love and care about us. She was too ill to stop it. She was too depressed to stop it. She had no hope for herself and she didn’t want to live the life she was given. As much as she always had the tools to change that life, she wouldn’t do it. I told her so many times in my life that I would help her and support her through the process, but she didn’t want to. Alcohol was her best friend. It was #1, sadly. I wish she didn’t hurt so bad. I know it started with the death of her closest brother. She loved him so much and spent so much time with him, and when he took his own life she felt that guilt of maybe wishing she could have done more. A week prior to that, she lost her father, my grandfather to colon cancer. He was very young. Not long after she lost her favorite nephew to a car accident. I know this carried with her every day. She couldn’t live with the good memories of them. She just wanted them here again. She was not happy in her marriage. I know this for certain. So many people took advantage of my mother. They always needed something from her, and she didn’t say no. She was very giving in that respect.  She was very lonely. Her husband was always at work, or at the bar. I remember having to call down to the PC or Stretchers for my Mother to see if he was there. He would work 16+ hours, and instead of coming home to his family, he went to the bar. Everyone thought it was just my mom with the drinking problem. It was him, too. I just feel so much sadness for my mom, and I wish she had a better life. Depression led to more depression, disappointment and nothing could bring her back. I thought being her oldest, I could be the one to help her and change that, so when I spoke to her that day asking her to get help, I couldn’t leave it at that. I just couldn’t walk from the woman who gave me life and not try to bring HER back to life. When she hung up with me, I called my sister Stacey. I was crying and told her that I couldn’t see her getting more ill from this devil I call alcohol. She was killing herself. I couldn’t watch it anymore. My mother was still so young and had many good years left, and it wasn’t too late to make something great happen. My sister and I talked over the next few days, and we decided together that we would rather help her and have her be mad at us for doing something against her will, rather her die from this drug abuse. We decided then to go to court and file an order to have her put in rehab. that she was not safe. On April 14th, 2010 we arrived at her house with 2 officers (which still kills me that this is the way the help people in these conditions). She was hiding in the bathroom with the water running. I knocked. I said, “Mom”. She answered a quick, “what” like she was mad, and an officer told her to open the door. She opened the door. Her skin was green and her eyeballs were yellow. Her mouth was bleeding, and I’m still not sure why. Maybe she was brushing her teeth and her gums were sensitive because of the alcohol, or maybe she was very dehydrated. I don’t know. We explained that we cared about her and wanted her to get help. She was really angry. At first, I thought she was drunk, but really the alcohol had taken over her so badly that she was just really sick and frail. She couldn’t walk without holding on to things in her path. I will never forget that day. For this past year now I questioned whether it was the right thing, and I felt so much guilt invading her life this way, but I would have felt worse if she was found in an uncompromising position home alone, and nobody to help her. Her piece of shit husband didn’t care, and we learned later he had a little girlfriend on the side. Nothing unusual. It’s happened a few times with him. We didn’t expect him to ever do the right thing by her, which is why I wish she would have left him years ago. I blame him for so much, even pouring booze down my moms throat.
On the evening of April 14th, we got a call that my mom was taken from rehab to the hospital. The worst hospital ever in my opinion. St. Lukes in New Bedford, which was the closest hospital. I was told that she was sent to Critical Care Unit. For 1 whole month, it was a roller coaster. The doctor went from telling us she was dehydrated, to showing us a picture of her damaged liver, and telling us she would most likely pull through this but could never drink again. He even discussed a liver transplant, but I always thought they didn’t give livers to people like my Mom. Either way he raised our hopes to believe she was going to be ok. Then out of nowhere she was placed on life support, her body filled with fluid and she was in a coma. There are so many things that happened, and that I felt they were doing wrong. When I asked about moving her or  a second opinion, my father lied and said he would take care of it and never did. If you were losing a loved one, wouldn’t you do everything possible to make sure they are getting the care they really need, and what was really going on, really the way it was supposed to be? A lot of things didn’t make sense to me. By the 3rd week, my mom started coming around  a little, but not really in reality. I learned later that when someone is dying, they go through these series of steps. Hallucinating was one of them. I sat next to her a lot and held her hand. There was so much I wanted to say, but I wanted her to be with it to really talk to me. I knew it wasn’t going to happen, so I spent a lot of time talking to her in my own head, and just wishing all of this was a bad dream. Another doctor was brought in too late. He explained that my mother now had a perforated viscus, and it was too late to operate. There was nothing more they could do. They brought in hospice who sat with us a few short hours. On May 12th, 2010 My sister and I both stood next to my mothers bedside. My wife was next to my side, my sisters girlfriend next to her when my mom took her last breath. I still felt like it wasn’t real, and I kept saying no..mom…no. I felt so sick. I never thought in a million years that putting my mother in rehab would result in her death. I never once thought that she was going to die this way. I still have not completely dealt with her death. I think about her every day and cry. She was only 54.

Catching up….

Wellllll…it’s been a while. What, about 4-5 months now since I’ve written here?

Jayce has been growing like a weed! I can’t believe he’s going on 6 and a half months old now. You blink, and next thing you know your kids are graduating from high school! It’s been amazing watching him grow into his own little personality so far. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to be home with him every day. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have an issue with trusting others, and the one thing January and I talked about before J was born, was that we would never send him to daycare or hire a nanny. I want to be the one to teach him everything, and expose him to the things I feel he needs to be exposed to. So far, he’s reached age appropriate milestones as he should, and he’s growing right on target pretty much at 50th percentile for his height and weight. He is such a good, happy baby. He can be very serious at times too, filled with curiosity. I’m excited to continue watching him grow, take him places to explore, etc. I am just so in love with him! He makes me smile every day, and lifts my spirits when days are not so great.

Ashley was accepted to all 6 colleges she applied to, which is great! She did however decide on Westfield University. They have Marine Biology there, which she intends to study, as well as lacrosse which she plans to play. She’s been playing for so many years now, all through high school and this year she is captain. I am so excited for her, but am all teary eyed too, as I write this. It’s so bittersweet. I know she wont be too far away, but far enough that I wont see her as often. I am going to miss having her close to home, and I especially miss her childhood already. It almost doesn’t seem right that she is almost 18 and graduating in a few months. I still look at her as the 5 year old, the 10 year old, etc. I have so many great memories of my kids that I will always hold so close to my heart. They have been my life, and I don’t know what I would do without them in it.  Zach dropped out of Worcester State last year. He wasn’t in it at all. He’s always done so great in school his whole life, and he was so motivated at first and then I noticed he spoke less and less about his classes, and didn’t seem motivated to do anything but fix his car and spend time with his girlfriend. I’m still really sad because I have told him that life will be hard without having some kind of degree or career to focus on, but there is nothing I can do. Right now he is working full time, and just hanging out which really needs to stop. I worry about him so much. I hope he can find his way. He’s been really down for a long, long time. Problem is, he refuses to talk to anyone and it kills me. I hope he really knows (even though I do tell him) how much I love him, and how I want the best for him. I’m being very cautious as to what I write on here because there are so many things I could write with details and such, but I guess we all have a few stalkers, and I don’t want certain people knowing all of my business.

I haven’t done a ton of shooting since Jayce was born. I have been so consumed with him, and it’s been such a long, cold, snowy winter. If I still had my studio, I would be shooting every day if I could but I have been limited to resources. My Mac is ready to croak, I have filled 4 external hard drives and need another, and I really, really need a new lens! So many people have been asking me to shoot, but I have been putting them off. I miss it so much! The last time I shot an actual model was in August! Sucks! The weather should be warming up soon though, and I have a handful of people waiting to shoot some new stuff. I am so anxious to get some new work out there. It’s such a huge passion, and I don’t want to lose that! I am shooting a few weddings this fall too, soooo I need new stuff asap!

Jan and I have been talking more and more about moving out of here, and going to San Diego. It is our definite plan. We just need to save enough to do so, and sell our house. I honestly wish it was this summer, but realistically that will never happen. We are sick of the cold and snow and want to be in a warm climate. I am so excited..I cannot wait! Jan has been applying to jobs there already, so who knows! Sooo, if anyone reading this knows of any firms looking to hire a CPA, please let me know! lol

I’ve been feeling really, really depressed more so than ever. It’s coming up on the one year anniversary of my Mothers passing. I still can’t believe it. April 14th is the day she went into the hospital, and May 12th is the day she passed. I still cannot get out of head the vision of her laying in her hospital bed, and the vision of her taking her last breath and laying in a casket. It all seems like a bad dream, but then I am reminded when I come to and remember where I am, and remember that she really isn’t here. I have this lump in my throat that never goes away, and I can’t help but to question everything the hospital did wrong while she was in their care. I am so fucking angry at so many things, but I guess talking about it here isn’t going to bring my mother back. I can’t stop thinking of how much she would love Jayce and want to be close to him. It breaks my heart so much. I can’t ever imagine this feeling of loss going away. I just want my mother back. It hurts me so much. Every Easter since I was a kid, my whole family has gone to New Hampshire to spend the day together, eat some great seafood and walk on the beach. Over the years it has dwindled down to myself and my sister, my wife, my kids and my grandmother. This year we are continuing this tradition, but it’ll be bittersweet not having my Mother there. We are actually planning to lay her/her ashes in the ocean, as that is what she wanted. She has a favorite beach there, and I guess no day is ever going to be a good day to do it. I am so overcome with sadness that I don’t even know most days what to do with myself. I really don’t know what I would do if my kids didn’t keep me going. I feel so broken over this. My Gram’s health also hasn’t been great and as much as I don’t want to admit it, she doesn’t have much time left here either, and this just might be her last Easter with us. Life sucks sometimes, man. It just does  :( I need to stop writing about this. It’s taking me more places that I don’t want to go right now…..

I am going to end here by posting a few most recent snaps of Jayce. I really planned to blog on the regular, but who knows…maybe it’ll be another 4 months before I post again. We’ll see!

-L

 

Life has changed in the last few weeks!

It’s been a few weeks, but Jayce has finally arrived! He is perfect, and I love him SO much! He was born on October 4th, 10:14 PM, 7 lbs. 6.6 oz. 20 and 3/4 in. long. Jan ended up being in labor for 4 days straight, then finally..her water broke the morning of the 4th. We spent the day at the hospital very comfortable. By 10 pm, she was fully dilated and ready. I can’t believe how fast he was born, minus the labor. I feel bad for Jan, but she did great. I am so proud of her, and I love her even more for bringing our son into the world. He has done so much growing in the past 4 weeks already. We have already been to the pediatrician twice now for weight checks, and he is doing great. I believe last time he was 40th percentile for his height, and 80 for his weight. He is definitely putting on some good weight. His cheeks have really filled out, and I love them! lol He has already outgrown a handful of his clothes. Amazing how fast a newborn’s face changes. I can’t believe he will be 5 weeks already this coming Monday. We have an appointment with his pediatrician again for a weight check. I’d say he’s doing just fine. He has had a little bit of a cold, but no temperature or anything. He’s been sleeping well up until the past few days. I think he just wants some extra comfort because he isn’t feeling so great. He is so much more alert right now. He is so alert to what is around him, and he follows us when we walk by him and stuff. He tries so hard to pick his head up, he wants to see everything. I could stare at this kid for hours, and I do. I love watching him grow. He is amazing, and I am so in love with him. A few pictures of Jayce taken in the last few weeks :)

So many intense emotions right now…

As I write, January is on day 3 of constant contractions although nothing regular. We have been to the hospital twice now, just to be sent home as I figured. January is having a hard time with the contractions because they are close together, although not enough to go to the hospital but strong enough that she can barely get up and walk because the pressure is so bad. The first time we went contractions were between 5-7 minutes apart and couldn’t take the pain. The on call doctor checked her and she was only 1cm dilated. Definitely not ready, and contractions were not close enough. We left the hospital at 11pm on Friday night, and by 3:30am we were back again, as contractions at this point were 3 minutes apart for over an hour. The doctor told us to come in. We got there only to find that she still hadn’t dilated anymore and contractions were not as consistent there. They ended up giving her some morphine so she could try to get some rest, which she did, but it makes the baby’s heart rate go down, and it took a while to get it back up to a rate they were comfortable with, so they could once again send us home. January was given instructions to call or come back in when contractions are 2-3 minutes apart for at least an hour, or if her water breaks or if there is any bleeding of course. She did end up calling the doctor again, because she felt she needed to tell them again that this was the 4th day now that she hasn’t had a contraction less than 12 minutes apart. They told her several times that this was normal, and that she could have contractions like this for another day or 2. She is already scheduled to be induced on Tuesday the 5th at 4, so either way he will be here in 24 hours. I have done my best to help Jan through this, suggesting showers and baths, changing positions and walking, listening to soothing music, etc. The pressure has been awful for her, and I really wish her water would just break or something so she doesn’t have to be induced. I just can’t wait to see my new son! It’s so crazy that before the week is over, January will have already had him, and we’ll have him home! So exciting! Everyone is anxiously waiting for his arrival. My Gram has called me every day for the past few days and can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait for everyone to see HIM!

So after the last time I wrote, my sister ended up going to her father’s house and got most of my mother’s ashes. She has them with her now, and after Jayce is born and before winter makes an appearance we are going to go to Rye Beach in New Hampshire together to lay my mom at rest. I feel so sick to my stomach about it, and angry that she hasn’t come around me. Maybe it will be a long time. Maybe it’ll never happen. Maybe it just doesn’t. I wish she was here. I recently found out that my suspicions about her husband cheating were/are true. He has himself a 20-something year old girlfriend, and was actually seeing her and lying to all of us while my mother was in the hospital. I want that fucking asshole to suffer bad luck, horrible miserable days every day of his fucking life. Perfect example of once a cheat, always a cheat. He cheated on my mom several times when I was a kid, and his own sister even fixed him up once that I know of. He is such fucking trailer park trash in my eyes. I also heard he got one of his life insurance policy checks and gave my brother Russ 650- out of it. Really? I also found out that my brother watched his father on 2 occasions with this 20-something, and our Mom just passed away not even 5 months ago. I think it’s absolutely disgusting.

I have a lot more I want to say, but I’ll post more maybe tomorrow, or after Jayce is born :) I haven’t slept much at all in the past few days, being up with January and all and I am exhausted.

-Later

September 17, 2010

Jayce has not arrived yet. We are now at the 38 week marker, and January is looking ready! lol I feel so bad because I know she feels heavy and tired, and I know she is really anxious to start working out, and being able to wear some other clothes and shoes. The only shoes that have fit her for the last few months have been her flip flops. I have been trying to keep her moving and getting out of the house as much as possible, but at this point, it hurts her to even move so we are laying low, and staying local. Tomorrow will be the last sort of long drive we will take. We are meeting up with Jan’s moms friend Donna, who fosters cats. We made the decision to adopt Myles out to a good home because we have both become very allergic to him. We have had him for 4 years now, and we both feel so bad about it. He stays on the first floor of our 3 story townhouse, which consists of a decent size room with a slider that we use as a gym, an unfinished bathroom which we call his room because it’s pretty much his litter box and and stashes of toy mice, etc. a long hallway and stairs and a comfy chair he chills on. He sits by the slider all day, and he loves to lounge and he’s a great cat, beautiful orange and white cat, but….we can’t even pet him for 5 minutes without being sick for hours. With Jayce coming, and having our 3 yr. old mini schnauzer Kapone it’s just too much. We feel like we are just leaving Myles by himself too much, just feeding him and cleaning his litter box. It’s not fair to him. He’s a good cat, and he deserves more attention than he gets. Donna already told us she knows someone who is already interested, so she is going to do a little home visit and get a reference from his vet. I would never trust anyone else to do this, and we would never just give him to anyone. We will definitely miss our big boy :(

Wednesday was my sister Stacey’s 31st Birthday, and as much as we were all there for her that day, I know it wasn’t the same for her not having my mom here. I knew how she felt because my mom passed 2 weeks before my birthday. It just sucks, but we did the best we could to cook her one of her favorite meals just like my mom (roast with potatoes and such), and she loved it. January and I went to hers and her girlfriends house and cooked it for her, had dinner and cake. It was just Stace, Sylvia, her 2 girls, January, Ashley and I but it was a nice little night we had. My father (I hate even saying that, but It’s hard to break not calling him Dad after 30-something years) called Stacey to say Happy Birthday, but it was like nothing. He is still a piece of shit to me. I have not spoken to him once since the day my mom passed away, May 12th and I never will again. My sister told him this, and so I guess he gets it because he hasn’t even tried to talk to me or anything, BUT we sort of have to. I mean, hello..he still has my mothers ashes to himself. My sister, brother & I have been waiting to take them to the ocean. I know you’re really not supposed to do that, and people do it and so are we. It was something my mother has always said, and he is not respecting that. My aunts and Grandmother all want some of her ashes to put with my Grandfather and uncle whom my mom was close to, both buried in Maynard, MA where my mother, and all of us primarily grew up. My sister and I want to of course respect  my mothers wishes, but he keeps giving everyone the run around. I don’t feel as though it is up to him to decide how, when, where and with whom. He knows exactly what my mother wanted, and again he is just being a selfish asshole. I don’t care what anyone says, and I do know that people deal with things in different ways, but if you have read any of my previous posts, maybe you would understand a little. You would understand more if you knew me better, even more if you were there but you weren’t, and he’s a piece of shit and that’s all there is to it. The end. I got an email the other day from his brothers daughter in law who I used to speak to up until my mom passed. As ridiculous as this sounds, I noticed she disappeared from my Facebook page right after the wake. Weird, but whatever. maybe she didn’t want to get involved in anything that happened, but still. I didn’t do anything to her, and the whole time my mom was in the hospital we had been writing back and forth. She had written the other day to ask how January was, and if the baby got here yet. Nice of her to ask, but where the hell has she been? And thanks for asking me how I’m doing! It’s only been 4 months since she last spoke to me. So I responded by saying exactly how I felt in that I hadn’t heard from her, and why did she disappear. She came back very defensive, and said I should have gotten in touch with them….them as in my asshole fathers family who fought with us at my mothers wake. Why the fuck would I call them? I can’t stand the mother fuckers, and Oh! I’m sorry, but when someone’s parent or loved one passes, I didn’t realize I was supposed to be the one to get in touch with you to tell you how I might be doing, etc. I just let her have it because she had some other things to say that I didn’t like, and she was completely out of line. I can’t believe the fucking nerve of people. Why does everyone go around thinking everyone owes THEM something? I keep running into these types of assholes…..and speaking of, and while I’m on it:

I have been bartering with Julio for over a year now. Julio is someone I met through a friend who happens to be a hair stylist. He started dressing in drag and needed pictures, so we both figured in tough times, we’d just barter with each other. I’d be paying him for my hair, and he’d just be turning around and paying me for shoots anyway so it worked…a few times. I usually felt like I was getting the shitty end of the deal because I’d spend so much time shooting…and waitingggggg for changes and make up touch ups…..and more shooting, and then of course your work isn’t done after the shoot, so it was several more hours of uploading, importing, exporting, editing, burning, etc. And the mother fucker would always have the odacity to ask me how things are coming along not even 24 hours after the shoot. Like hello! Give me a fucking break. What do you think, I wake up and my shit is all edited when I wake up the next day? I can’t stand pushy fucking people, but ya know what? I get my shit done. I stay on top of my work, so I don’t put anyone in any position to be hunting me down for anything, especially if we have a barter relationship. I need something from him too, so I’m not going to take my sweet time. The other issue was that I think he thought he got unlimited numbers of edits, because I guess 10, 20 and 30 edits are not enough. It’s really frustrating. So, every time I would ask about my hair, it was such an issue…back and forth..when do you want to come in? I would ask when his appointments were because just because I said a day or time doesn’t mean he can do it, so why would he ask me? It was just a huge issue to get an appt. most of the time. I’ve also had to sit there several times and wait 45 minutes, an hour and then he’d be all rushing doing my hair all ghetto. And, if I didn’t know him like I do..I would have screamed at his ass and walked out if I saw him drop a comb on the floor and not put it in barbicide and get a new one. I’ve seen him do this with other customers, and my jaw just drops. Anyway, this last time really irritated me because I spent 7 hours shooting his last shoot, then with the extra time for everything else, I put a lot of time into my work. He told me he recognized that, and that this time he wanted to put better hair in my head and do it all over. So right around his shoot time, we took my old hair extensions out to give them a break for 2 weeks. I waited and then emailed him right after to set up the appt. My hair is looking awful right now, and I want what he promised me. I like to look good and feel confident just like everyone else, and I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to get back to me. He kept putting me off, ignoring my emails and asking stupid questions he already had the answers to. By the 4th email, I was really pissed because 2 weeks turned into 4 weeks, and I addressed that with him. He told me he was sick of the way I was talking to him like a kid (ok, well be professional then, and answer your fucking emails and shit because you owe me, fucker) and because he said he has been busy and can’t just jump for me. I was fucking floored. So busy because you owe me something? So busy that you were just online for several days having a status war with your rival but too busy to be a professional and do the right thing with myself and other people. It’s just ignorant, and it’s my biggest pet peeve. So, after that…I peace’d him the fuck out, deleted his ass from any internet connection I had with him and lost his number and blocked him from getting in touch with me. I refuse to know people like that, and he can take those extensions and shove them up his ass. My hair has not been done even still, and and am now out money to even get my personal business taken care of. Thanks, asshole! Glad you and all your fucking fans enjoy all those free images you got from me. Actually! I charge 75-hr., so maybe I will just send you that bill afterall, and try small claims. I am so fucking sick of people. Try walking on me. I will say something…and do something about it if I have to, too.

September 13, 2010

So, January still hasn’t gone into labor, but we are ready and anxious for Jayce to get here. She has been having the normal pre labor signs but he’s not budging yet :/ I can’t wait to see his face, to hold him, kiss him, count his fingers and toes, cuddle with him, teach him everything, love him and watch him grow. I am so excited that I am going to be a mom again! Aside from the waiting game, we are trying to stay busy doing last minute whatever in the house. I don’t think I have anything left to organize. I’ve been getting everything possible situated January’s entire pregnancy, so that when Jayce arrives, there is less chaos, everything is right where we need it to be and it’s smoother sailing (maybe).

Ashley played her first field hockey game as a senior last week, and as Captain. I am still such a sap when it comes to my kids. I couldn’t help but to get all teary eyed when she walked out to the field as captain for the first time to greet the captains from the other team. I love watching her play. I am more anxious to watch her play lacrosse this year too. She will be captain for that team as well. Mt. Ida College in Newton has been watching her, and started contacting her last year. The coach for the lacrosse team called me last week, and invited Ashley to spend a night at the school, and practice with the team. They feel Ashley will be a great fit for their college, as well as a great team member. Not sure where she will end up because she has other school interests, but either way I am so happy for her. She started interning for a kindergarten class this year too, and she loves it. I still think of her as my little girl, and in kindergarten herself. It’s so bittersweet. I love watching my little girl grow, but it saddens me at the same time as to how quick our kids grow up. I’ve cherished every minute, and I could never imagine my life without my children in it. Zach is doing well with his college classes so far, and he really seems to like it. I hope he can continue down this path, and be that great math teacher he wants to be. I want nothing but the best for my kids as any mother does, but I don’t think our kids ever get the nagging and constant advice they don’t ask for until they are in their 20′s maybe haha!

Saturday we saw my niece Kalie for a little while. It was her first soccer game, and she’s never played a team sport before. She did ok. I think she was more interested in socializing, and making sure she looked the part lol. She’s too funny. I think even being there with her peers, and playing a little is great for any kid. I hope she has fun with it! I’ve been telling my brother for years she should take dance class or take up some kind of hobby outside of the house. Yea, right. The reason she is playing right now, is because her friends mom paid for her to play, and bought her cleats and shin pads. Embarrassing. I had to drive to Fitchburg prior to Kalie’s game, and meet up with my sister. Every time I go there I have to go near the place my mom was living, the place where she went on the regular, and just the whole vibe there just makes me feel physically ill. Things bother me so much it makes me feel sick. I can’t let it go. When something affects me so much like loss…death, friendships, I lose so much of me, so much of my past memories that you can’t let go of. It’s sad. I can’t stop thinking of my mom. I keep saying I need to go to therapy, but I hit dead ends. I can’t even find anyone I can see around here, and it’s frustrating. Then I lose interest, and just end up keeping it so consumed inside my head. Every little thing is bothering me. I can’t stop thinking about the loss I felt before she passed, and the even bigger loss I feel now. I can’t get over this anger, and it’s so bad that I just envision myself spitting in someone’s face. I wont, but it’s how I feel. I can’t get over that I lost my mother and she was only 54. I can’t get over the fact that she didn’t see Zach graduate, that she passed 3 days after Mother’s day, 6 days after Ashley’s birthday and 2 weeks before my 37th birthday. See how I think? I can’t help it. I can’t get over the fact that she will not see Ashley graduate, and she wont see both of my children in college, getting married, having children. I cannot get over the fact that she will never meet Jayce. I cannot especially, get out of my head the vision of her opening her eyes and taking her last breath before she dies. I cannot get out of my head the image of her laying in a casket, and the balls of a few people saying she looked like shit and complained about what she was wearing? I cannot get out of my head, the vision of  my mother being cremated, and the image of her ashes in a fucking box sitting at her husbands house that shouldn’t even be sitting there. I feel so sick because of these things especially, but that only touches the surface. I’m so annoyed by people telling me to move on, be happy that I have a baby coming and etc. etc. I’m not an ignorant asshole. I am happy that I have these things. I am looking forward to them, and I am enjoying my life and family as much as I can, however it doesn’t take away these thoughts every day, it will never take away how I feel, and I can never in my life imagine these feelings ever getting easier. I have had other traumatic things happen in my life, and there is not a day that goes by that I still don’t feel those horrible feelings, I never forget so why anyone would think this would get easier for me over time….I can’t imagine it. I keep going crazy in my head thinking that if I am open to whatever comes to me, that she will one of these days show herself. I do not believe in god at all, and I never will. I have always been a strong believer in the after life, and that people do come to you after they pass. I have had certain things happen to me, but maybe….maybe I am just fuckin’ crazy, and I imagine everything I have seen. Who fuckin’ knows. I’m starting to just feel like, when you die…you just die. You’re just ashes, or you’re buried in the ground to rot away to nothing and bugs just eat at you. It is what it is. Our souls are just a fragment of our imagination. The living is what keeps that spirit alive in a dead person, along with the hope. The hope that we’ll go to a better place, and see all these people we’ve lost once again. I think maybe it’s just bullshit. I’m afraid to die.

Contact:

For now, I am continuing to use Facebook (rolling eyes) to network in my field, as well as a temporary web site to view some of my work. I haven’t done anything to my .com for a long time. I should get on that?

Anyway, here are a few links to use for now:

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=1826371016&v=wall

http://www.modelmayhem.com/720351

http://www.wix.com/LisaColandrea/Lisa-Colandrea

Some images from my shoot with Model Sasha yesterday….

Life has been really busy……

I haven’t written here since March, I believe? A lot has happened in my life, and I have so much spinning around in my head right now. So March. January was approximately 2 months pregnant last time I wrote. She is now 34 weeks, and we are almost there! We have had several ultrasounds along the way, and Jayce is doing great! He has been growing as he should (at last weeks ultrasound he was roughly 5 lbs., 3 oz.), and healthy as we know it, according to all the fetal tests that have been done a long the way. January’s Mom threw us a baby shower on July 25th with mostly Jan’s friends and family. We got so many great things for Jayce, and just so excited for him to get here. My sister Stacey and daughter Ashley are throwing us another one here with people from Massachusetts next Sunday. We pretty much have everything we need, all the big stuff especially, so we just need a few more little things. It’s been so hard trying to find a baby memory book for same sex parents. If someone were smart, they would market more things like this geared toward same sex couples, even single parents and adoptive parents. There isn’t much out there, and these days there are all kinds of families out there. It’d just be nice to find more than 2 of them online. We looked at Barnes and Noble and such as well, and nothing. Sad! Anyway, January and I couldn’t be happier about our son’s arrival. I am really excited to teach him all the things I taught Zachary and Ashley as babies, and then some! We are also planning to maybe sell, or rent our house and move to San Diego next year. We both hate it here, and not winter people at all. I am happiest in the sun, by the water in great weather. That is our plan anyway, and I hope it really works out. Zach is starting college in two weeks, and Ashley is in her last year of high school. I can’t believe how the time flies. They have both even talked about possibly applying to school, and transferring to a college in San Diego. We’ll see what happens. All I know is, we’ll be living there eventually. The goal is 2011. My Gram also isn’t doing well, and it’s sad to think of her not here. She’s been so full of life, and in the last few years she has really started to slip.

April 13th, 2010. My sister Stacey and I decide to go to court and section my Mother into rehab. We heard she was falling again and not doing well at all. Forbid her husband would do anything to help her. She’s an alcoholic, and she chose that path, but who doesn’t call an ambulance or doctor when their wife is falling, or bleeding or can’t walk up the stairs, or even function anymore. I had no idea things were as bad as they were. I stopped talking to my Mom several times on and off throughout the years because of her drinking. I can only take so much, and I am not an enabler to her. This last time, I was at her house and she continued to make comments, and not make any sense. It was hard to sit there and listen, and take it even at my age. I remember as far back as 5 years old my mother had a drinking problem, and even a few months back…I knew this was how she was going to die. On April 13th when I walked into her house with the police, she was barely standing in the bathroom, trying to brush her teeth…but her mouth was just bleeding. I had no idea she was as bad as she was…no idea at all. I can’t believe her husband didn’t call me, or someone..or something. He kept feeding her alcohol. What is the matter with people? The officer drove my Mother to rehab for women in New Bedford, MA. I knew this wasn’t the place for her, but it was either that, a jail cell which is really fucked up, or she stay at her house and die there. I couldn’t sit back anymore and see my Mother like this. I watched her go downhill for so many years. Once they took her away, I knew for at least 30 days, my Mom wouldn’t be drinking, and even if she went back again that at least it would be almost the longest she ever went without it. She didn’t even last a half day at rehab before the doctor called. My Mother was out of it, completely dehydrated…not doing well, and the doctor said she looked like death when she came in the ER at St. Luke’s Hospital, which I would never in my life tell anyone to go there! My mother was there for one month. We went back and forth while she went up and down from being moved to one floor of the hospital to another. She was in ICU. CCU…you name it. Every time I saw her though, I knew. I knew she was dying. She looked more yellow and green every time I walked in. She started filling up with fluid really bad, and there’s nowhere for it to go. Her kidneys started shutting down, she couldn’t absorb anything and she wasn’t responsive most of the time. When she was responsive, she would whisper, hallucinate and her mind was slipping every time you talked to her. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I felt like it was a dream, and not my life. I was in denial myself. I had so much I  need to talk to my mother about, there were so many things we needed to deal with and I needed closure for certain things to move on with my life. I had so much I needed to say to her. I would never get the chance. I would never have my mother the way I needed her. I am the child of an alcoholic. I stood next to my mother’s hospital bed on May 12th, 2010 while she opened her eyes, and took her last breath. My Mother was 54 years old.

I am really angry now. I am really sad and hurt. I feel empty, and scared of the things I will have to face now. I haven’t yet dealt with her death, and it has been harder in a lot of ways because of the lack of people in my life who were not there for me. I thought I meant more to others, and I thought I had been a good friend. I understand if someone doesn’t come to a wake, but a lot of people never even called, or emailed. Nothing. I still feel sick of it, and it has just made me take some steps back and not trust anyone. Not even my family. I am thankful for my wife, and my sister and children. I hate my step father, and I will never speak to him again. The entire time My mom was ill, and up until now his concern is a life insurance policy. He gave all my Moms things to my sister and I, and he moved. He was at my mother’s wake going out to the car and drinking, and tried leaving after 2 hours. He is sick, and I hate his guts. He deserves any bad things that come his way. My mom told me a few times that he had put his hands on her a few times. I even told her to come stay with me for a while, but she wouldn’t leave. He did this shit to her when we were younger too. There are a lot of people mad at my sister and I apparently because we didn’t sit next to him at my mom’s wake. Are you kidding? These people have no idea what we’ve been through with him with my Mom. He stuck a breathing machine down her throat behind our backs, and she said she would never want that. We asked for second opinions, and to have her moved close to us because she was 2 hours away at a dump hospital. He didn’t do it. He can rot.

I am doing my absolute best to focus on me, and my family right now. Jayce will be here in a few weeks and she needs me. I am trying to stay strong, and will deal with me later. I’m trying…it’s so fucking hard though! Business sucks for everyone right now, and I am sick of the attitude with most models and “professionals” in the fashion/photography field. I am just kinda doing my own thing, and stepping away from many people. I can’t be dumped on anymore. I am better than that…..

I’ll write more later….whenever later is. I’m tired.

~Lisa