I haven’t written here since March, I believe? A lot has happened in my life, and I have so much spinning around in my head right now. So March. January was approximately 2 months pregnant last time I wrote. She is now 34 weeks, and we are almost there! We have had several ultrasounds along the way, and Jayce is doing great! He has been growing as he should (at last weeks ultrasound he was roughly 5 lbs., 3 oz.), and healthy as we know it, according to all the fetal tests that have been done a long the way. January’s Mom threw us a baby shower on July 25th with mostly Jan’s friends and family. We got so many great things for Jayce, and just so excited for him to get here. My sister Stacey and daughter Ashley are throwing us another one here with people from Massachusetts next Sunday. We pretty much have everything we need, all the big stuff especially, so we just need a few more little things. It’s been so hard trying to find a baby memory book for same sex parents. If someone were smart, they would market more things like this geared toward same sex couples, even single parents and adoptive parents. There isn’t much out there, and these days there are all kinds of families out there. It’d just be nice to find more than 2 of them online. We looked at Barnes and Noble and such as well, and nothing. Sad! Anyway, January and I couldn’t be happier about our son’s arrival. I am really excited to teach him all the things I taught Zachary and Ashley as babies, and then some! We are also planning to maybe sell, or rent our house and move to San Diego next year. We both hate it here, and not winter people at all. I am happiest in the sun, by the water in great weather. That is our plan anyway, and I hope it really works out. Zach is starting college in two weeks, and Ashley is in her last year of high school. I can’t believe how the time flies. They have both even talked about possibly applying to school, and transferring to a college in San Diego. We’ll see what happens. All I know is, we’ll be living there eventually. The goal is 2011. My Gram also isn’t doing well, and it’s sad to think of her not here. She’s been so full of life, and in the last few years she has really started to slip.
April 13th, 2010. My sister Stacey and I decide to go to court and section my Mother into rehab. We heard she was falling again and not doing well at all. Forbid her husband would do anything to help her. She’s an alcoholic, and she chose that path, but who doesn’t call an ambulance or doctor when their wife is falling, or bleeding or can’t walk up the stairs, or even function anymore. I had no idea things were as bad as they were. I stopped talking to my Mom several times on and off throughout the years because of her drinking. I can only take so much, and I am not an enabler to her. This last time, I was at her house and she continued to make comments, and not make any sense. It was hard to sit there and listen, and take it even at my age. I remember as far back as 5 years old my mother had a drinking problem, and even a few months back…I knew this was how she was going to die. On April 13th when I walked into her house with the police, she was barely standing in the bathroom, trying to brush her teeth…but her mouth was just bleeding. I had no idea she was as bad as she was…no idea at all. I can’t believe her husband didn’t call me, or someone..or something. He kept feeding her alcohol. What is the matter with people? The officer drove my Mother to rehab for women in New Bedford, MA. I knew this wasn’t the place for her, but it was either that, a jail cell which is really fucked up, or she stay at her house and die there. I couldn’t sit back anymore and see my Mother like this. I watched her go downhill for so many years. Once they took her away, I knew for at least 30 days, my Mom wouldn’t be drinking, and even if she went back again that at least it would be almost the longest she ever went without it. She didn’t even last a half day at rehab before the doctor called. My Mother was out of it, completely dehydrated…not doing well, and the doctor said she looked like death when she came in the ER at St. Luke’s Hospital, which I would never in my life tell anyone to go there! My mother was there for one month. We went back and forth while she went up and down from being moved to one floor of the hospital to another. She was in ICU. CCU…you name it. Every time I saw her though, I knew. I knew she was dying. She looked more yellow and green every time I walked in. She started filling up with fluid really bad, and there’s nowhere for it to go. Her kidneys started shutting down, she couldn’t absorb anything and she wasn’t responsive most of the time. When she was responsive, she would whisper, hallucinate and her mind was slipping every time you talked to her. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I felt like it was a dream, and not my life. I was in denial myself. I had so much I need to talk to my mother about, there were so many things we needed to deal with and I needed closure for certain things to move on with my life. I had so much I needed to say to her. I would never get the chance. I would never have my mother the way I needed her. I am the child of an alcoholic. I stood next to my mother’s hospital bed on May 12th, 2010 while she opened her eyes, and took her last breath. My Mother was 54 years old.
I am really angry now. I am really sad and hurt. I feel empty, and scared of the things I will have to face now. I haven’t yet dealt with her death, and it has been harder in a lot of ways because of the lack of people in my life who were not there for me. I thought I meant more to others, and I thought I had been a good friend. I understand if someone doesn’t come to a wake, but a lot of people never even called, or emailed. Nothing. I still feel sick of it, and it has just made me take some steps back and not trust anyone. Not even my family. I am thankful for my wife, and my sister and children. I hate my step father, and I will never speak to him again. The entire time My mom was ill, and up until now his concern is a life insurance policy. He gave all my Moms things to my sister and I, and he moved. He was at my mother’s wake going out to the car and drinking, and tried leaving after 2 hours. He is sick, and I hate his guts. He deserves any bad things that come his way. My mom told me a few times that he had put his hands on her a few times. I even told her to come stay with me for a while, but she wouldn’t leave. He did this shit to her when we were younger too. There are a lot of people mad at my sister and I apparently because we didn’t sit next to him at my mom’s wake. Are you kidding? These people have no idea what we’ve been through with him with my Mom. He stuck a breathing machine down her throat behind our backs, and she said she would never want that. We asked for second opinions, and to have her moved close to us because she was 2 hours away at a dump hospital. He didn’t do it. He can rot.
I am doing my absolute best to focus on me, and my family right now. Jayce will be here in a few weeks and she needs me. I am trying to stay strong, and will deal with me later. I’m trying…it’s so fucking hard though! Business sucks for everyone right now, and I am sick of the attitude with most models and “professionals” in the fashion/photography field. I am just kinda doing my own thing, and stepping away from many people. I can’t be dumped on anymore. I am better than that…..
I’ll write more later….whenever later is. I’m tired.
~Lisa
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