Wellllll…it’s been a while. What, about 4-5 months now since I’ve written here?
Jayce has been growing like a weed! I can’t believe he’s going on 6 and a half months old now. You blink, and next thing you know your kids are graduating from high school! It’s been amazing watching him grow into his own little personality so far. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to be home with him every day. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have an issue with trusting others, and the one thing January and I talked about before J was born, was that we would never send him to daycare or hire a nanny. I want to be the one to teach him everything, and expose him to the things I feel he needs to be exposed to. So far, he’s reached age appropriate milestones as he should, and he’s growing right on target pretty much at 50th percentile for his height and weight. He is such a good, happy baby. He can be very serious at times too, filled with curiosity. I’m excited to continue watching him grow, take him places to explore, etc. I am just so in love with him! He makes me smile every day, and lifts my spirits when days are not so great.
Ashley was accepted to all 6 colleges she applied to, which is great! She did however decide on Westfield University. They have Marine Biology there, which she intends to study, as well as lacrosse which she plans to play. She’s been playing for so many years now, all through high school and this year she is captain. I am so excited for her, but am all teary eyed too, as I write this. It’s so bittersweet. I know she wont be too far away, but far enough that I wont see her as often. I am going to miss having her close to home, and I especially miss her childhood already. It almost doesn’t seem right that she is almost 18 and graduating in a few months. I still look at her as the 5 year old, the 10 year old, etc. I have so many great memories of my kids that I will always hold so close to my heart. They have been my life, and I don’t know what I would do without them in it. Zach dropped out of Worcester State last year. He wasn’t in it at all. He’s always done so great in school his whole life, and he was so motivated at first and then I noticed he spoke less and less about his classes, and didn’t seem motivated to do anything but fix his car and spend time with his girlfriend. I’m still really sad because I have told him that life will be hard without having some kind of degree or career to focus on, but there is nothing I can do. Right now he is working full time, and just hanging out which really needs to stop. I worry about him so much. I hope he can find his way. He’s been really down for a long, long time. Problem is, he refuses to talk to anyone and it kills me. I hope he really knows (even though I do tell him) how much I love him, and how I want the best for him. I’m being very cautious as to what I write on here because there are so many things I could write with details and such, but I guess we all have a few stalkers, and I don’t want certain people knowing all of my business.
I haven’t done a ton of shooting since Jayce was born. I have been so consumed with him, and it’s been such a long, cold, snowy winter. If I still had my studio, I would be shooting every day if I could but I have been limited to resources. My Mac is ready to croak, I have filled 4 external hard drives and need another, and I really, really need a new lens! So many people have been asking me to shoot, but I have been putting them off. I miss it so much! The last time I shot an actual model was in August! Sucks! The weather should be warming up soon though, and I have a handful of people waiting to shoot some new stuff. I am so anxious to get some new work out there. It’s such a huge passion, and I don’t want to lose that! I am shooting a few weddings this fall too, soooo I need new stuff asap!
Jan and I have been talking more and more about moving out of here, and going to San Diego. It is our definite plan. We just need to save enough to do so, and sell our house. I honestly wish it was this summer, but realistically that will never happen. We are sick of the cold and snow and want to be in a warm climate. I am so excited..I cannot wait! Jan has been applying to jobs there already, so who knows! Sooo, if anyone reading this knows of any firms looking to hire a CPA, please let me know! lol
I’ve been feeling really, really depressed more so than ever. It’s coming up on the one year anniversary of my Mothers passing. I still can’t believe it. April 14th is the day she went into the hospital, and May 12th is the day she passed. I still cannot get out of head the vision of her laying in her hospital bed, and the vision of her taking her last breath and laying in a casket. It all seems like a bad dream, but then I am reminded when I come to and remember where I am, and remember that she really isn’t here. I have this lump in my throat that never goes away, and I can’t help but to question everything the hospital did wrong while she was in their care. I am so fucking angry at so many things, but I guess talking about it here isn’t going to bring my mother back. I can’t stop thinking of how much she would love Jayce and want to be close to him. It breaks my heart so much. I can’t ever imagine this feeling of loss going away. I just want my mother back. It hurts me so much. Every Easter since I was a kid, my whole family has gone to New Hampshire to spend the day together, eat some great seafood and walk on the beach. Over the years it has dwindled down to myself and my sister, my wife, my kids and my grandmother. This year we are continuing this tradition, but it’ll be bittersweet not having my Mother there. We are actually planning to lay her/her ashes in the ocean, as that is what she wanted. She has a favorite beach there, and I guess no day is ever going to be a good day to do it. I am so overcome with sadness that I don’t even know most days what to do with myself. I really don’t know what I would do if my kids didn’t keep me going. I feel so broken over this. My Gram’s health also hasn’t been great and as much as I don’t want to admit it, she doesn’t have much time left here either, and this just might be her last Easter with us. Life sucks sometimes, man. It just does :( I need to stop writing about this. It’s taking me more places that I don’t want to go right now…..
I am going to end here by posting a few most recent snaps of Jayce. I really planned to blog on the regular, but who knows…maybe it’ll be another 4 months before I post again. We’ll see!
-L
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