It’s been a long, horrible winter. A horrible year, and I am absolutely ready for some summer weather! I am glad it’s here, and I can get outside more with Jayce. I hate living in this city more and more every day, and am counting the days until we can move to San Diego. Thinking about it, just makes me smile! Jayce is getting so big so fast! He is now 8 months old, and changing day to day. He’s more mobile as the days go on, and I love watching him grow! He has the funniest little personality. He loves to laugh, but he also has a very serious side too. He takes everything in. He’s nosey, like me! lol He’s been sitting on his own for several months now, rolling all over the place to get to where he needs to. He isn’t crawling on his hands and knees yet, but he does the army crawl and he’s fast! lol I guarantee he’ll be crawling in another week. When he starts to go though, we are in trouble! When Zach and Ash were born, I fell so in love with them and couldn’t imagine my life without them. The kids WERE my life, as Jayce is now. I think I have been away from him a total of 3 hours since he’s been born. I definitely think it’s time to take some breaks, but Jan and I don’t trust anyone these days, and our resources are limited. I miss my Mom. If she were here, she would watch him a drop of a dime, and want to spend as much time with him as possible. She was a huge help when Zach and Ash were little. There were times I’m not sure what I would have done, had I not gotten her advice. She was always so good with kids, and knew just what to do. Anyway, I really am enjoying every minute with him. I love this little boy so much, and I am eager to watch him grow. We are definitely planning on giving him a sibling, and if things go right we’ll get pregnant by fall/winter this year. We’ll see! It’s crazy doing this all over again. Zach and Ash are already 18 & 19. It kills me how fast the time went by! Ashley is graduating this Thursday. I have been crying for a few months now. It’s so exciting, and I am so proud of her accomplishments, but as a Mom I don’t want it to be over. She will start college at Westfield State this fall, and will live on campus. She’ll be an hour away from me, and I know I wont see her as much as I do. I guess a lot of parents have to deal with this, but I feel like it will take me an extra long time! I know once she’s there and settled, she will love the experience. I am so happy she will live away. It’s a great opportunity for her to become more independent, really get to know herself more and meet new people. I really wish Zach had stayed in college, but you can’t force something like that. It’s his choice. His life. I wish he would make some better choices for himself right now. He burned so many bridges with people, he gets mad at everyone and stays away and doesn’t deal with anything appropriately. It breaks my heart. I hope it’s a phase, and one day he’ll have some kind of realization of what he’s doing!
The one year anniversary of my Mom’s passing was on May 12th. It was a hard day. I’m sure the first anniversary of anyone’s death is the hardest for everyone. I still can’t believe to this day, that she is gone. I’m not sure when I’ll be better with this. I’m not at peace with it, or myself at all. I saw a psychiatrist about 1 month ago. I told her all the feelings I was having, and the one thing I can’t get out of my head no matter what I do, is seeing her taking her last breath. Psych said this wasn’t on the normal side of the grieving process after one year of it happening. I know I need to deal with her loss with regular therapy. There are so many things I needed to work out in regard to her before any of this even happened, and now there is just so much more. It’s going to be hard because she isn’t here, but I know I need to rather than let it go because it will eat me up for the rest of my life if I don’t. It’s too much to carry around. My sister still has my Mom’s ashes. We had planned to lay her at rest a while ago, but the time never seems right. I don’t think it ever will. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life so far, and it’s so tough.
In the post, I’d like to add this….whyyyyy are people so fucked up???? There are a handful of people who did me wrong, and I don’t feel as though I could ever give them another chance at being in my life. I have been more than forgiving to some, and I’m so naive to think that everyone can change and take responsibility for their words and actions. It’s not true. It’s their issue to deal with. I don’t have to deal with any of that shit anymore, and I wish they would disappear, lol. A month ago I got an email on FB from an old friend who said the worst fucking things behind my back, when I never did anything to her. My wife and I opened our home and life to her, even though we knew at times we were being used. We are good people and can’t be an asshole to someone. You really have to get under my skin before I really blow up. It was one thing being said after another, things she and I both know are not true, or things that you tell your close friends in confidence. Apparently, you can’t tell some people things because they extend the truth and make a real situation their own, with added drama and lies. It was just unreal! I would never let this trash bag back into my life. She explained that she reads my blog…well, this one is for you! I hope you like what you read! You are not a good person at all. You are actually mentally disturbed, and I could type on giving all the details, but it would take a while, and we both know you know how messed up you truly are! Right? Right :) I heard from 2 other old friends in the same time frame in the last 2 weeks as well. Kinda weird, but in the past I would respond to anything they had to say. This time around, I ignore it. I can’t put myself in spaces, or relationships that do nothing for me. If you’re not in it for real, you’re not going to be in it at all. I see right through people…right through them, and I think I am left with so much disappointment most of the time. People always seem to let me down. I don’t even feel that my expectations are too high, either. It’s normal stuff that most people want in their friendships…respect, trust, caring, laughs…you know! It’s apparently too much for a lot of people to handle. I can’t stand someone who is phony! So again, if you are one of those people…and you definitely know who you are, Leave me alone! I have no desire to hear from you at all. The end. lol
Here are a few recent pictures of little man!
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